


The Peculiar Murder of Billy McFarlane

by lbb_st0ries



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: (also i havent seen a bfu ep in a long while so i'm sorry if things aren't accurate), (no demon shane in this one sorry folks), (on a slight hiatus bc college), (p ironic considering true crime s6 is happening rn lmao), Blood and Violence, Crossover, Murder, Rating May Change, Shane being Shane, Work In Progress, chapter 1 is also paced a little fast, chapter 1 is short, i'm not sure how graphic the depictions of violence will get, in short: shane indirectly angers one of the imps and they seek vengeance, just something I wrote for fun, no worries though ch 8 will be posted soon!, takes place in late 2019 early 2020
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:40:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23493346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lbb_st0ries/pseuds/lbb_st0ries
Summary: The I.M.P. has been given a new target, which they gladly take on. Little to the company's knowledge, word of the crime spreads, inadvertently catching the attention of the Ghoul Boys. After accidentally seeing their video on the case (and hearing Shane make his comments), one of the members gets angry and decides to show Shane exactly who he's dealing with. Unfortunately for them, they didn't realize who they were dealing with, either.
Comments: 47
Kudos: 56





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I got the urge to read a hazbin hotel/helluva boss x bfu crossover fic, but unfortunately i couldn't find anything, so i made one! Credits go to @princess-rinrin on tumblr for the amazing idea ❤ (i'll link the post in the end notes). Enjoy!

It was a dreary morning in Imp City. The air was filled with smog and misery, while the noise of everyone's morning commute permeated even the quietest corners. In short, nothing new, the only exception being a new job given to the Immediate Murder Professionals.

“Okay, so we know his name. Anything else we should be aware of?” Moxxie asked.

“I was getting to that, dumbass,” Loona growled. “Like I was saying before I was interrupted, Billy McFarlane is a regional manager of some company. One of his ex-coworkers put a hit on him because apparently this guy’s a real shit sack. I asked said coworker if they had any death preference, but they just said ‘literally whatever you want, i don’t care just as long as he’s gone and feels a good amount of pain during’”, the hellhound said, reading a text off her phone.

Sitting at the front of the room, their boss chuckled. “Welp, looks like we’re gonna get creative today! By the way, what did Billy even do?”

“Well, he’s an aggressively racist embezzler who also stole not only from charities, but from his employees, too.” Loona said. “Our client said that one time while they were on vacation, all their valuables were stolen. Their boss was bragging about his ‘new finds’ the very next morning.”

“That’s awful!” Millie exclaimed as she stood up from her chair. “What are y’all waiting for? Let’s get this guy!”

Next to her, Moxxie smiled a love-struck smile as he too got up, along with Blitzo, book to Earth already in hand.

“Loving the energy, Millie!” he said as the three ran from the room, eager to please their newest client, while also “taking out the trash”, as one of the members put it.  
…………...

Some hours later, the demons returned to Hell, exhausted and covered in blood, satisfied with a job well done. They conversed animatedly with each other as they went back to their office, as the rest of the work day went by.

............

A week had passed and nothing more was brought up about Billy, nor the situation. The man was murdered, everyone got paid, case clean and shut...or so they thought. Back on Earth, a new video had just been uploaded to Buzzfeed Unsolved’s youtube channel titled ‘The Peculiar Murder of Billy Mcfarlane’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (princess-rinrin's post: https://princess-rinrin.tumblr.com/post/189426575558/buzzfeed-unsolved-and-hazbin-hotel-crossover)
> 
> Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed it or have any ideas or constructive criticism, feel free to let me know in the comments or my tumblr: @tuesdays-we-jazz-it. Chapter 2 will be up soon, btw. Stay safe wherever you are and have a great day/night :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop, chapter 2 is finally finished!! I am so sorry it took that long. Kudos to those that pump out long chapters every few days. Anyway, enjoy :)

“Hello and welcome to the newest season of Buzzfeed Unsolved: True Crime,” Ryan opened. “To kick off this season, we have a very recent case that’s...odd, to say the least”. Expecting a comment from his co-host, he looked up from his papers on their desk to his friend, Shane.

“Yeah, I read a little bit on it, and all I’m gonna say is that I’m very interested in discussing some potential theories. Also, heads up everyone, this guy was a real dick.” 

“Asshole alert!”

“Official asshole alert from your boys at Buzzfeed Unsolved,” Shane said back.

“Real quick before we start, how much do you know about this?” Ryan asked him. “Um, not too much. I know he made racist comments, then he died, but that’s about it,” his friend responded.

“Well, you’re gonna be in for a little more than you bargained for.” Facing the front camera, Ryan declared, “Let’s get into it.”

…………

“On May 24th, 2019, Billy McFarlane became the regional manager of tech company, Titanium Industries.

“The hiring of Mr. McFarlane was somewhat odd for two reasons, one: he was an outside hire, something the company had prohibited, and two: they already had someone else in mind for the position. However everything became clear once it was revealed that McFarlane was a close friend of the vice president of the company.” 

On his side, Shane wordlessly made an “of course” expression.

Upon being officially in office, things went from very good to very bad. 

“Before McFarlane came into the picture, Titanium Industries was making quite a hefty profit, but after, their revenue steadily began to decline.

“At first, monthly reports showed no sign of change, which no one thought much about in the first few weeks. However, when the numbers remained the same by the third month, people started to get worried. This continued until September 2019, when it took a turn for the worse. The numbers started to drop little by little, then by thousands at a time. It was obvious someone was embezzling, but there wasn’t enough evidence against any one person. Titanium had done everything it could to earn back what was stolen, but nothing worked. 

“Ok, hold on,” Shane interrupted. “You’re telling me, and everyone watching at home, that no one had any idea who was doing this? They specialize in technology for crying out loud! They could’ve looked at security footage or something like that.”

“Very valid point, Shane, but whoever did this knew the security system well. They were able to get past or delete any footage from the cameras and left no paper trail."

..............

“Though no one had any rock solid proof, people had their suspicions. Here’s where McFarlane comes in.

“Upon interviewing the employees who worked at that specific branch, the name Billy McFarlane came up quite frequently. Something interesting to note is many people did not regard him...positively.”

“So just racist right out the bat?”

“Basically. First impressions were bad, and with each interaction, their views of him only got worse, as Dylan Huang could certainly attest to.

.………..

“Mr. Huang was an employee under Mr. McFarlane, and was also one of the primary victims of his harassment. He regularly complained to HR about his “jokes”, and though they said that they would ‘get right on it’, not much happened, besides a paid suspension here and there. On December 14th, 2019, though was when Mr. Huang decided to put an end to the discrimination himself by suing Titanium Industries. The trial had made some progress, but ever since Billy’s untimely death, the case has been put on a temporary hiatus. I wish I could say McFarlane’s actions were put to an end before he died, but I would be lying if I did. It's unfortunate, but there was an instance where he went further than making offensive comments.

“A former employee by the name of Amaia Molinero had filed a police report at 10:17pm on February 3, 2020 stating that her house had been vandalized with hate graffiti, broken into and most of her valuables were stolen, said items included her TV, her laptop, various antiquities, and “my great-great-great grandmother’s golden locket. The pendant is round and has a diamond in the center, along with a photo inside. Please make the necklace top priority here. This heirloom is priceless to me; it’s irreplaceable.' 

“A few days later, authorities found the locket in an old pawn shop, and we’re able to get it back to her, however the diamond and the photo were missing. Having caught the thief on her home surveillance cameras, Amaia decided to go to the police. When they rejected her and her evidence, Ms. Molinero went to work for the last time, and collected transcripts, emails, financial documents, transactions--anything she could get her hands on, drove to the local news station, and leaked everything she had on Billy McFarlane.”

Shane snorted and said in mock sympathy, “Uh, oh. Sorry Billy-bob, looks like you got hashtag exposed!”

An expression of amusement and annoyance crossed Ryan’s face. “Because of who we’re discussing and the fact that you’re right, I will excuse you saying internet slang out loud this one time.”

“Lmao nice,” Shane teased. “In all seriousness, I’m glad she and Dylan said something about McFarlane, though. Did everything work out for her?”

“Not exactly. Yes, they found and returned her things, with the exception of the diamond, but she unfortunately died a couple weeks later in a car crash.”

“What?! I’m so sorry, my condolences to all that knew her.”

“Mm-hmm,” Ryan agreed solemnly. “It was a tragic situation, but there is some good news. All the evidence Dylan and Amaia brought forward helped solve another crime. Remember what happened with Silver Lining?”

“Of course, I can’t believe that some people are so low as to steal from a charity.”

“Well, guess who the culprit was?”

“No way! Did they find the money? Please tell me the authorities got to him before he kicked the bucket.”

Ryan sighed. “Sadly no, to both the money thing and the justice thing. He died before then, which looks as sketchy as it sounds. But before we take a look at some potential theories, let’s get into what happened the morning of January 17, 2020.

……...

“In the official police report, McFarlane’s neighbor, Rico Holloway, said he had seen him leave his apartment at 8:32am. ‘It isn’t a long commute,’ Holloway said. ‘It’s ten minutes at most, depending on how heavy the traffic is.’ So when McFarlane hadn’t shown up for work two hours later, one of his co-workers made a call to the police station.”

“Ha!” Shane laughed. “I like how they waited _that_ long before going to the cops! I can imagine someone thinking ‘Billy isn’t here yet? Someone should really do something about that’ then they just go about their day like ‘oh, well…’ That’s hilarious.”

“Do you think someone made them call?”

“Of course. ‘Listen, the execs are losing their shit-’

“‘Jeffrey’s goin’ bonkers.’”

“‘We gotta do something before they get on our asses, too.’”

“Then they rock-paper-scissors for it! Loser had to call!”

The two friends’ laughter went on for a few seconds longer, before it started to die down. Exhaling, Ryan continued.

“After interviewing his coworkers’, the police department traced back McFarlane’s steps using the information Holloway and others had given them. The course went as follows: McFarlane usually left home at approximately 8:30am, stopped at Darling Donuts, turned right on Senna Lane, straight on Smith Avenue (passing Devilwood Forest), another right on Clove, then within a few minutes, he would have arrived at his destination.

“Starting from the victim’s apartment, they searched for clues, and found one in the form of skid marks on Smith leading towards Devilwood. They followed the marks into the forest and ten minutes into their hunt, they came across a somewhat unexpected scene.

“McFarlane’s vehicle was found smashed in front parked by a nearby tree, with the body lying face up a few feet away from it in a pool of blood. At first glance, it seems like he simply lost control of his vehicle and died as a result, but the more police scoped the scene, the more dubious the circumstances became. When approaching, they noticed the body had bruises and cuts, but didn’t think much of it. That is, until they saw the other side.

“Multiple stab wounds and claw marks were found, deep enough to cause damage, but not enough to cut through to the front half. Most of the victim’s bones, including his fingers, had been broken, along with having a large bump on the back of his head, suggesting blunt force trauma. 

“Detectives noticed strange things about the crime scene as well. Small hoof prints were found around and leaving the scene, and even more bizarre were marks on low hanging tree branches.”

“Like little cuts?”

“Pretty much. Kind of like something sharp scraped against them, or got caught somehow.”

“Ah, okay. Y’know, you were right, this is a very curious scenario. Please, continue.”

……………..

“Another interesting detail was found when the medical examiner lifted up the victim’s shirt. A message that read ‘what goes around, comes around’ written in a red substance was found all along McFarlane’s torso. Test results later concluded that the ‘red substance’ was the victim’s own blood.”

“Holy shit,” Shane remarked, wide-eyed. “This guy got fucking murked. So no one had even thought of sabotage, not even seeing the broken fingers, until some time later? ”

“I know, and that’s because I didn’t even mention the car yet.”

…………….

“The body was one thing, but the vehicle’s damage was something else. The car’s front and top were smashed in, but not because of contact with a tree. In fact, the car didn’t hit a tree at all! Judging from the dents and other marks left on the metal, it appeared a bat or something similar was used, but that wasn’t all. Small holes were also found beside the dents. Tire tracks in the dirt suggested a slow stop, and funnily enough, when the police found the vehicle, instead of still being in drive from the ‘crash’, it was parked there.” 

“Now this is interesting! Also, whoever parked his car must’ve really cared about not damaging his property.”

“Yeah, before taking a bat and going crazy with it.”

Both men giggled. 

“Police chief Thea Magana said on the case: ‘The circumstances in which we found the body were odd, and of course, the evidence is highly implicative. We have our list of suspects, our theories, and we’re going to work this until it’s done. Aside from that, though, I can offer no further comment.’”

“Hmm, I guess the assassination of a regional manager isn’t something they can comment so freely about.” Shane commented. Chuckling, Ryan said “Guess not.” before pausing dramatically, then looking straight into the camera. “But _we_ can.”

…………….

“Theories (or in this case) Speculations 1 and 2: Titanium Industries or a coworker put out the hit. This one isn’t too believable in my opinion, due to the lack of evidence.” 

“It's a shame; would’ve made a lot of sense.”

“Of course, a big tech company going through some major financial losses, but can only do so much about it?”

“Yeah, I bet they’d know some people who could...take care of business, if you will.”

“Oh totally. Then for the coworker theory, no one had seen or heard any of the workers do, act, or say anything suspicious. In fact, the other employees were inspired by Dylan and decided to come together to form a class action lawsuit together. So yeah, those two: eliminated. By the way, the next theory’s really stupid, but I’m just gonna say it because this is the one the cops are going with.

“Theory 3: Billy crashed the car himself-”

“Horseshit!”

“I know! All the evidence their people found pointed to someone else doing this. Someone wrote ‘what goes around comes around’ in his own blood, and yet they call it an accident.”

“Why are they trying to cover it up in the first place? He was just a regional manager for fuck’s sake. It’s not like he was involved with some shady organization.”

“I think they just didn’t wanna deal with the possibility of an assassination.”

“Mm. No trouble in paradise if you cover up the trouble.”

Ryan snorted. “Speaking of shady organizations, though, our next theory has a little more substance to it.

“Finally, Theory 4: demon hitmen.”

Shane blinked twice, unsure if he heard his friend correctly. “...I’m sorry, what?”

“Yeah, this one’s pretty out there, and at first I wasn’t too convinced-”

“Because it’s not convincing.”

“But then, in a weird way, things kind of made sense.”

“No, regular hitmen make sense. Demons, really Ryan?”

“Ok wait, hear me out. The marks found on Billy’s body weren’t typical knife slashes, these were claw marks.”

“He was in a forest, that’s where many clawed animals live!”

“Fine, but how do you explain the tiny hoofprints in the dirt, they weren’t human.”

“I don’t know, a fuckin’ goat or some-”

“A goat? What--ok, nevermind that. His bones were broken, fingers and legs! He didn’t drive himself there, put his car in park, then get out, and smash his own bones.”

“Well, no, that’s where the _human_ murderers come in. Y’know, I can’t believe I’m gonna say it, but the dude crashing his car is more plausible. Demons don’t exist, nothing supernatural does.”

“Except Bigfoot, right Shane?”

“Don’t you dare bring him into this. So some “demon” just randomly came to Earth and went ‘OoOoH I'M A DeMoN AnD I'M GoNnA Go kIlL thIs gUy jUsT BeCaUsE I WaNt tO MlEh mLeH I HaVe a mAgIcAl sWoRd-”

“Hey, I never said anything about a sword, let alone a magic one-”

“Uh oH I LeFt a trAiL oF HoOfPrInTs aT ThE CrImE ScEnE, i hOpE No oNe fIgUrEs oUt iT WaS mE! AnD Oh nO My hOrNs gOt cAuGhT In tHe tReEs aNd--ow!” While waving his hands around in ridicule, Shane hit one of them against the edge of the table. He held his injured appendage, while Ryan laughed heartily next to him.

“See, this is what happens when you taunt the occult.”

Having recovered, Shane gave him a small smile and uttered in a playful tone, “Ah, hush it.”

Grinning back, Ryan said “Well, that does it for this episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved. Stay tuned for next week’s installment of True Crime.”

“Cut! Great job, you guys.”

Both men thanked their producer and walked off the set together, discussing weekend plans. Meanwhile in Hell, a certain gray hellhound had just finished briefing her boss and coworkers about their newest job.

“Wow, business is booming, literally! Moxxie, Millie, we gotta go, Holyph wants this person dead by three.”

Millie laughed before she too started jogging out of their office door and said, “So I guess you can say...time’s _ticking_??”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohmygod chapter 3 is finally done! i'm so sorry it took this long! A lot of life events kinda happened all at once and hhgdgbsfkdgjf it was a lot. Thankfully tho, everything's been taken care of. Before the chapter begins, I want to thank those of you who have been waiting for your patience. Now, without further ado, enjoy :)

Deep in the woods of California, nature was still. No wind, no people, and no disturbances. At least there was, until a red portal opened from the ground, spawning three demons, two of which were in an argument.

“Are you kidding Moxxie, _that’s_ what you would do with the money? God, you’re so boring.”

“Oh, so being a responsible adult is boring to you, sir?”

“When you put it like that, yes.”

“Both of you, shut up, you’ve been at this for too long now. Look, we’re already here; we just have to walk a little bit.”

Millie made her way through the trees, with her boss and husband close behind. 

“I’m just saying,” Blitzo instigated, “If I had a million dollars, I wouldn’t be wasting it on ‘paying bills’.”

Deciding to ignore Blitzo, Moxxie just rolled his eyes and lifted a low-hanging tree branch out of Millie’s way. She turned to look at him and with a smitten twinkle in her eyes said, “Aww, thank you, sweetie.”

The imp blushed and smiled, completely forgetting his boss was also there, who was recording a video of their interaction with his phone. Before anyone could notice, he closed the app and instead opened his text messages, reading his most recent one from Luna.

“Ok guys, we should be seeing a sign that says ‘Maple Grove Gardens’. Anyone got eyes on it?”

Looking around, Millie spotted it on top of a small hill nearby. “Hey, it’s over there!” she called out. The trio jogged to the location, stopping when the sign was directly in front of them. After checking around to make sure no threats to the mission were present, the imps peered down to the valley below. Before them laid a quaint but lively area occupied by tents of various sizes. Children were running around, while their families and other adults conversed with one another amongst barbeque pits filled with delightfully-smelling food.

“Hmm, I guess this is a campsite.” Millie commented.

“Well, that’s just great. Thanks to all the people around, our job here is going to be more difficult to do,” Moxxie said to the group. Through gritted teeth, he continued. “Y’know, a _certain someone_ should have told us our target would be surrounded by this many people.”

Blitzo’s eyes immediately shot towards his employee, glaring daggers at him. “Are you really pinning the blame on Luna again, Mox?! What is your problem with her?”

“I’ve already said; it’s because she doesn’t do her job properly! Now keep your voice down.” Moxxie whisper-yelled.

Grumbling, Blitzo did as told, and looked over at Millie. “Psst, Mills, whatcha doing?” Curious, Moxxie looked over at her, too. “I’m observing. Oh yeah it turns out, the person we have to kill isn’t that brunette lady like we first thought, but the blonde one over there,” she responded, pointing at a woman outside of a red tent, packing items into a backpack.

“Wait, but Luna said our target has _dark_ hair and that her name’s Christina.“

“I mean, her hair has some brown in it, maybe Luna meant dirty blonde? Or she could have had her hair dyed when our client was still alive. Either way, this is our gal. The person we originally thought is actually named Kim. She was just having a conversation with Christina, who seems to be very popular here, by the way, about ‘having fun on her nature walk’”.

“Oh wow, another thing we should have been briefed on,” Moxxie remarked. “Anyways, great job as always, Millie. I don’t know what we’d do without you.” Blushing, Millie chuckled and turned to fully face the other demons. Clearing his throat, Blitzo began to speak quietly to his employees.

“Alright, so Luna also told us that Chrissy here likes to walk this trail once a month, so this is a job we have to make especially sure to get right. Got the explosives, Moxxie?”

“Yes sir, right under my coat.”

“Great! Oh look, she’s leaving the site. Follow her.”

With impressive agility and soundlessness, the trio weaved between trees, dove behind bushes, and camouflaged themselves amongst the branches, never once losing sight of Christina. Several minutes had gone by when the woman finally made it to the start of the trail. Smiling contently, she adjusted her backpack on her shoulders, and moved forward, I.M.P. still hot on her tail.

Fifteen minutes had passed, and neither party showed any sign of slowing down. All of a sudden, Christina’s phone beeped. She took it out of her pocket and exclaimed. Finding the nearest bench, she sat down, and said to herself, “I can’t believe I forgot to watch it. Glad I made myself a reminder.” Deciding to take a small break, she unlocked her phone and opened YouTube as Moxxie, Millie, and Blitzo closed in behind her. ‘Now,’ mouthed Blitzo. ‘No wait, not when the screen’s black, she’ll see us coming,’ Millie replied. ‘Keep an eye on the video. Wait when there is no reflection.’ The group nodded to each other in affirmation as Christina pressed ‘Skip Ad’, and turned up the volume. 

_“Hello and welcome to the newest season of Buzzfeed Unsolved: True Crime--”_

Not expecting the abrupt volume, Moxxie jumped a little. Trying to not laugh out loud, Blitzo covered his mouth with his hand while Millie stroked Moxxie’s arm in comfort. The demon in question smiled sheepishly, and was about to resume his task, when the group heard a very familiar name.

_“...Billy McFarlane became the regional manager of tech company, Titanium Industries.”_

All three imps heads shot up and their eyes shifted from one to the other, confused and shocked. Then ever so quietly, they dropped their weaponry, sidled up behind Christina, and watched the latest episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved, transfixed.

Here were two random humans who had 1. found out about what happened to Billy, 2. been interested enough in the I.M.P.’s crime that they decided to make what looked to be a report on it, and 3. they had a surprisingly good amount of information related to the case. Not even _they_ had known this much about the man.

“Damn,” Blitzo whispered to himself. His two employees nodded their heads back in agreement. “I figured there would be a little press but not this much. It couldn’t have possibly circulated this fast...?” When one of the hosts spoke again, the demon abandoned the question, and like Millie and Moxxie, continued listening.

For the next several minutes, the residents of hell found themselves captivated by the show. All the information was presented very well, and the visuals too helped to keep the imps’ attention. Besides the case itself being interesting, the cohosts themselves, Ryan and Shane, made it even better. They were the right type of funny and had such natural chemistry, that the demons couldn’t help but to be enthralled.

Still watching (and occasionally stifling laughter), the hitmen forgot all about their task at hand.

When Ryan started to narrate the crime scene, Millie poked Moxxie and Blitzo excitedly, mouthing ‘Ooh ooh this is our part!’

_“McFarlane’s vehicle was found smashed in front parked by a nearby tree, with the body lying face up a few feet away from it in a pool of blood.”_

At first, the trio were smiling with pride, but as Ryan continued, their expressions were quickly replaced with worry as they listened to why exactly this case was found so “peculiar”.

_“Detectives noticed strange things about the crime scene as well. Small hoof prints were found around and leaving the scene, and even more bizarre were marks on low hanging tree branches.”_

_“Like little cuts?”_

_“Pretty much. Kind of like something sharp scraped against them, or got caught somehow.”_

After hearing that last sentence, the demons formed a group huddle.

“Are you fucking serious?!” Blitzo said as quietly as he could. “We left behind that much evidence?”

“I told you to make sure your tracks were covered!” Millie retorted.

“Yeah, well at least I made sure my horns didn’t get caught on any goddamn tree branches!”

“Hey, that hurt—Wait, they’re saying something else.” Still in their huddle, the imps listened intently.

_“In fact, the car didn’t hit a tree at all! Judging from the dents and other marks left on the metal, it appeared a bat or something similar was used, but that wasn’t all. Small holes were also found beside the dents. Tire tracks in the dirt suggested a slow stop, and funnily enough, when the police found the vehicle, instead of still being in drive from the ‘crash’, it was parked there.”_

“You see Mox, you should’ve let the car crash! Now, it’s coming back to bite us in the ass.” Blitzo added, irked.

“I didn’t want the crash to cause an explosion, thereby alerting people of our presence before we could finish the job. I was trying to be careful, unlike you and those pointy boots of yours, Mr. Small Holes.”

“Alright, that’s enough of your sass. You know--”

“Hold on, shh!” Millie interrupted.

“Don’t shush me--”

“Sir, the humans just said that they have theories. Let’s see what they think happened. Best case scenario: they get it completely wrong and we worried over nothing. Let’s just wait and hear what they have to say.” Blitzo’s curiosity got the better of him, and he reluctantly stayed silent.

_“-- coworker put out the hit. This one isn’t too believable in my opinion, due to the lack of evidence.”_

“God, they almost got it,” Millie said, her voice a mix of relief and fright. 

“Holy shit, these guys are good. You think I can get them to work for us?”

“I don’t think that would be such a good idea. They’re humans, so they only way that would be possible is if you murder them. What would you even have them do, hypothetically?”

“I dunno, but I’d come up with something. Start rumors to throw people off our tail?”

Millie and Moxxie giggled, and all of them turned their attention back to the episode, which was nearing its course.

_“Speaking of shady organizations, our next theory has a bit more substance to it. Theory 4: demon hitmen.”_

The demons’ jaws dropped. Stunned, the group continued to listen to Shane and Ryan’s back and forth. However, their speechlessness didn’t last long.

_“So some “demon” just randomly came to Earth and went ‘OoOoH I'M A DeMoN AnD I'M GoNnA Go kIlL thIs gUy jUsT BeCaUsE I WaNt tO MlEh mLeH I HaVe a mAgIcAl sWoRd-”_

_“Hey, I never said anything about a sword, let alone a magic one-”_

_“Uh oH I LeFt a trAiL oF HoOfPrInTs aT ThE CrImE ScEnE, i hOpE No oNe fIgUrEs oUt iT WaS mE! AnD Oh nO My hOrNs gOt cAuGhT In tHe tReEs--”_

Looks of anger flashed across all three faces. Growling, Blitzo grabbed Millie and Moxxie’s arms and pulled them back into the forest. When they were a good distance away from the trail, their boss released his grip on them and started to pace in circles.

“Are you kidding me?!” he ranted. “We work our tails off first trying to find the douche our client is talking about, making sure it’s even the right one because for some reason humans all have the same fucking name, killing said douche, getting paid not nearly enough, all for a shithead like that to just spit on it like that! Who the hell does this ‘Shane’ guy think he is?!” 

“He was way out of line!” Millie agreed. “Plus, its not like I stuck my head in the damn tree on purpose, I didn’t see the branches!”

Already at her side, Moxxie hugged his wife. “I know, where the heavens did he get that ‘magical sword’ thing anyways?!”

“Probably up his ass, along with everything else he said,” Blitzo replied sourly. The group snickered, and a silence soon settled over them. Eyes shifting from left to right, Blitzo was seething as he bit his thumb claw in thought. “You know what?” he told his employees. “We have a new target.”

Millie and Moxxie were caught off guard for a moment. “Blitz, hold on,” Millie started. “Okay two things, we still have to kill Christina, number one, and number two, we can’t just go off course like this, can we?”

“Sure we can!” her employer answered, smiling with sinister glee. “My business, my rules. There’s nothing in the book about it, either, so don’t worry!”

“That can’t be right—”

“Moxxie, I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that. Wanna know why? ‘Cuz we’ve got some great things in the works. The only problem is we have to get it started first.” Moxxie and Millie gave each other worried looks. “Guys, I’m calling Luna to meet us here stat. C’mon, let’s go back to the portal.”

“But sir, Chri—”

“Leave Christina! We’ve got a bigger fish to fry.”

Mouths agape, the two other imps followed quickly behind, sparing a glance back at their would-have-been victim already making her way back to Maple Grove Gardens, safe and sound. Sighing, the demons looked forward, all previous anger diminished, now apprehensive of what events fate had in store.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was it! If you would like to tell me what you thought, feel free to leave a comment below. Oh btw, I'm thinking of making this story 4-5 chapters long. Warning: the next update may take a while, but even if that's the case, no worries bc by god the one project i see to completion will for sure be this. Thank you again for reading and see you soon with another chapter friends ❤


	4. (QUICK UPDATE)

Hello, everyone! I'm sorry, this isn't the new chapter. I just wanted to post an update here so you guys can know what's going on right now.

My first day of college is tomorrow (!!!!!!), and I don't think I'll have too much time to work on it, depending on how everything goes. I'll do my best tho because I really want to get it done and out there for y'all, but I'm not sure how soon that'll be. Double apologies for that.

No worries, this isn't a hiatus (least i don't think it is hfgsbk). It's more of a delayed "due date" so to say. I'm not giving up this story at all, and who knows, with my new english/writing class, it might get even better!

I know I say this a lot, but know I mean it each time, thank you for reading this, and for all the positive feedback❤ It keeps me motivated and it helps to know what you guys think so far :)

Be careful out there y'all, especially those that are starting school soon, too. Times are tough right now, but we will soon see light at the end of this dark tunnel. 

I love you guys, and see you soon💖

-lbb


	5. (QUICK UPDATE)

Hi y'all, I wanted to make this "chapter" to say two things:

first up: I'm sorry that I haven't updated in so long. I've been trying to work on it, but college is a little crazier than I thought it would be (and my fuckin math course is rigorous as hell like wtffff).

and two, I just wanna say that this story has not and never will be abandoned! Production is just a tad slow rn. jdfbjfhgsghj i know i'm saying the same things over and over again (also, apologies) but I will do what I can when I can. 

I can't thank you guys enough for your patience and for bearing with my snail like writing speed. It truly does mean a lot :) stay safe out there, and see you soon, friends!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, y'all!! Very sorry that Chapter 6 took this long! I know I sound like a broken record, but I can't thank you enough for your continued patience. Without any further ado, please enjoy <3

“So, what’s his name?”

“Shane.”

Sitting under a tree by their portal to Hell, was Blitzo, Moxxie, and Millie who had recently been joined by Luna. It was later in the day. The sun was setting and thanks to a certain someone, Christina was now long forgotten. Having just been briefed on the situation (and new mission), the hellhound pulled out her phone and started to do some research.

“I’m gonna need a little more info than that. Do you know how many Shane’s there are?”

“Was that rhetorical or—”

“157,684 at least.”

“Holy hell, that’s a lot!”

“I know. So do any of you know his last name, or….”

The imps looked at each other questioningly. No one had any other information on him, only his first name, what his face looked like, and that he cohosts a show with a guy named Ryan.

After thinking for a minute and still coming up with nothing, Blitzo spoke up. “We’ll need to locate him tonight, at least find out what neighborhood he lives in. After we do that, we’ll find a place to rest for the night. Lunie, did you get the thing I asked for?”

“Uh yeah, it’s right here.” The hellhound pulled out a tiny, transparent vial from her short’s pocket. Labelled with a poorly-drawn skull, the small bottle contained a mysterious yellow powder.

“Aww, thank you dear!” Blitzo excitedly grabbed the container and put it in his coat’s inner pocket. “I have a feeling that we’re gonna be here a while, so you can wait for us back home, ok?”

“Thank lucifer. This place is a shithole.” Wasting no time, Luna stepped back into the red portal, leaving only the imps in the living world. Blitzo exhaled, then turned to face his employees.

“Well, what the hell are we waiting for?” he said, fiery determination clear in his voice. “We’ve got some work to do.”

…………………

“Order for Ryan,” a barista called out. Hearing his name, said man walked up to the counter, followed by Shane, who had an excited smile on his face.

“That’s me.”

“Alright, your total is $7.14.” Though he had already begun taking out the money, Shane stopped him. “No no, I’m paying.” Before Ryan could object, he took out a few bills from his pocket and handed it to the cashier, both making sure to leave a tip in their tip jar.

“Thank you! Have a nice day!” The two men thanked the employee back as Ryan got his drink from the counter and started to carefully navigate their way through the large crowds of people. Though the breakfast rush had already come to an end, the coffee shop was still packed to the brim with customers. Finally reaching a table close by a window, the duo sat down.

“You didn’t have to pay for me, y’know,” Ryan mentioned.

“Yeah, but it wasn’t a big deal. I would’ve paid as much as it took so you could finally experience the best coffee LA has to offer,” Shane said. A grateful smile spread across Ryan’s face as he thanked his best friend.

“No need to thank me,” Shane responded. “Now hurry, drink it before it gets cold.”

Complying, Ryan took a small sip from the hot drink, and his eyes lit up. “That’s…that’s some good fucking java right there.”

Shane started laughing gleefully. “What did I tell you? Pretty amazing, right?”

“Yeah, it’s unbelievable!”

“Y’know…” Shane mentioned quietly. “It’s almost as unbelievable as demon hitmen.”

Upon hearing those last two words, Ryan’s grip on his cup tightened, and his once blissful smile instantly turned into a scowl. “Oh my god, you did not just bring that up. Like I’ve told you a hundred times, it was just a theory!”

“I’m know and I’m sorry, but it was just so random! Out of everything you could have said—”

“Woah ok, first of all, I’ve said weirder theories. Second, it was a natural segue—

“Yes, it’s _so_ natural to mention demons after assassins—”

“Shut up, it was natural to segue to demons from humans, and don’t even try to say anything against it because we’ve done it before.”

Shane opened his mouth to speak, but finding nothing to rebuff the statement, closed it again. “Well…I can’t argue with that one. Still, where did you get that?”

“I was doing research on the case, and at, like, two in the morning, I found a few online message boards discussing everything.”

“Ah, those good ol’ 2am forums.”

“Mhmm. Of course, people started to speculate who or what could have done this. Different ideas were passed around, and that’s when some of the users brought up demons. Apparently, there have been several deaths that people have chalked up to these ‘assassins’.” Ryan proceeded to tell his friend about a variety of crimes that have been blamed on the “Trio from Hell” as the message boards had called them.

“I mean… Well first off, awful crimes.” Shane commented. “But again, how do they know it was _demons_ that did all that?”

“They have footage of it.”

“Ok now, I don’t mean people dressing up—”

“No one was in a costume, though! Wait, let me show you.” Ryan proceeded to pull out his phone and scrolled through his bookmarks. He tapped on one of them, and the screen showed a black and red webpage with a video at the center called ‘REAL FOOTAGE: Demons lie in wait.’

Ryan gave one of his AirPods to Shane and started the video. Only a few seconds in, and Shane was already sighing. The video was grainy (surprise surprise), taken at night (no need for showing details, right?), and you couldn’t even see their faces. The alleged “demons” were just black silhouettes against a night sky. To the video creator’s credit, though, the figures _did_ have horns. One of the three people present turned their head slightly, as if to make sure they weren’t being watched. Then, they started to speak.

“All clear, Boss.”

“Good, thank you Millie. So now we just wait?”

“I guess so...”

A few seconds passed in silence.

“Argh! This is unbelievable! They should have been here by now. Mox, are you sure you did everything correctly?”

“For the last time, Sir, I triple-checked everything.”

“That’s true. I was right there setting each thing up with him.”

“Then what’s taking so long?!”

“Maybe—”

All of a sudden, the person behind the camera sneezed. In unison, three heads turned toward the direction of the sound. A loud gasp was heard, and the video cut to black. Taking out the earbud, Shane pursed his lips and shook his head.

“Ryan…”

“Now, hold on. That was just for background info.”

Shane scoffed. “For what?”

Going back to his bookmarks, Ryan smiled mischievously, and clicked the first one. “Oh, you’ll see. Put that AirPod back in.”

Obliging, he inserted the white wireless earbud into his ear and begun watching this new video, titled “DEMONS APPEAR ON LIVE TELEVISION NEWS (NOT FAKE)”.

On screen was a news reporter and a very distressed woman, apparently a mother looking for her missing child.

“Please! If anyone has seen my little Eddie, please contact us at--.” Then, appearing to have fallen from the sky was a burlap bag. The woman exclaimed and everyone looked upward, with the camera following their gaze.

On an upper story of a building behind them were three…people with red skin, sharp horns, teeth, claws and yellow eyes. To be quite frank, Shane was highly unimpressed. They had very distinct looks to them, yes, but “real demons"? He didn’t think so.

One of them looked very concerned, and, with an embarrassed smile on their face, quickly disappeared from view, along with another individual. As the one in the middle said “Welcome!”, the video finished. Turning his attention to his friend, Ryan looked at him wide-eyed. “So, what you think?”

Not mincing his words in the slightest, Shane responded, “Fake.”

“What?! Are you kidding me, they were the exact same people from the last video! The silhouettes, the voices, everything matched!”

“Yeah, they just got the same people from last time, asked them to fake another video, and badda bing badda boom, this 'news footage'.”

Ryan sighed, closed his eyes, and thought of what to even say next. After a brief moment of silence, he opened his eyes again. “You’re insufferable, you know.”

To that, Shane laughed heartily. “Now c’mon Ryan, don’t be such a sourpuss! Here, get something; it’s on me.”

After placing a new order, the two friends moved on to talking about other subjects, far too enamored in discussion to notice three sets of familiar yellow eyes staring at them from the window of a abandoned shop nearby.

“Look at him,” Blitzo said. “Talking about…whatever stupid shit he’s talking about. If I see him say ‘fake’ or whatever the fuck else one more time, I swear…” Frustrated, he walked away from the window, grumbling to himself.

“Aw c’mon Blitz, stop. Complaining gets you nowhere. Coming up with a plan will, though.”

“She’s right, Sir. Let’s come up with a few ideas together; one of them id bound to work."

The trio sat down on the floor and started discussing a variety of potential plans, all of them resulting in dead ends. Moxxie tapped his claw on the old floorboards, deep in thought.

“Since we can’t come up with anything, how about we try taking inspiration from our surroundings,” he suggested.

“Oh yeah, _great idea_ ,” Blitzo replied sarcastically. “That jacked up chair in the corner is really helping my juices flow. Yep, I can just _feel_ the inspiration coming at me left and right. Or maybe that broken clock on the wall.”

Moxxie sighed loudly, while Millie turned her head to look through the same window they had been looking through.

Despite the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles, Ryan and Shane were still in the coffee shop, laughing and conversing as if time didn’t exist. This gave Millie an idea: instead of spying on their new target just to keep track of him, all while struggling for inspiration, why don’t they let Shane give them an idea himself, even if he didn’t mean to.

“Those two are still chatting up quite a storm, aren’t they,” she whispered to herself. She moved a little closer to the window and started reading their lips. “Let’s see now,” Millie said as she squinted, trying to read the men’s lips aloud. “V-E-N-O-M.”

“Sorry, honey,” said Moxxie. “I didn’t quite catch that.”

“They said something about venom, but it was weird, they spoke about it as if it were person.”

“That _is_ odd…”

Just then, Blitzo, who had been uncharacteristically quiet, gasped. “Poison! That’s it! Millie, you’re a genius.” The tallest imp started giggling menacingly. “M n’ M, I have a plan.”

…………………

Just as the clock hit 12:15 am, Ryan and Shane walked out of the coffee shop, hearts (and stomachs) full.

“I. Am. Stuffed.” Ryan said while massaging his belly with circular motions. Though repulsed, Shane decided to ignore it. Today was special, and he didn't want to ruin it by being too much of an asshole.

“Well, that’s to be expected,” he replied, amused. “You ate how much?” 

“Oof, like, two entrees worth, plus the coffee.”

The two men started the long trek to Shane’s parked car, the consequence of not arriving early enough to get a parking spot close by, with the three imps following closely behind them. As both parties got closer to Shane’s car, I.M.P. hid behind a building, as Ryan and Shane walked and talked. 

“Ok guys, we gotta act quick,” Blitzo said urgently, scouting the area. “Damn those sly fuckers, leaving the place before we even got a chance to poison one of them! Now initiating Plan B. Millie, see that hot dog stand?”

“Mhmm.” From the inner pocket of his jacket, Blitzo pulled the vial Luna had given him yesterday and handed it to Millie.

“Mills, take this and sprinkle it on one of the hot dogs. This is a special poison that can kill without leaving any evidence. Basically, even if a doctor checks him out, it’ll look like he just died of choking on the food. Moxxie, sell it to Long Legs Mcgee over there. Really ham it up ok?”

“On it!”

“Wait, I have a question.”

“Fucking Christ Mox, what? What is it?”

“Won’t my appearance scare Shane or his friend?”

Before Blitzo could even open his mouth, Millie responded. “Y’know, I don’t think so.”

“Really?” 

“Well, judging from that video we saw, it looks like Shane doesn’t scare easy. He might even welcome a little demonic challenge. If push comes to shove, we can kill him right then and there."

"Good point. Though I am somewhat cautious of murdering him in open daylight surrounded by witnesses, I think that as long as you’re by my side, it’ll be ok. Thank you, sweetie.”

“Awwww, of course, sugarplum. Now keep those worries out of your pretty head and let’s go! Blitz, we’ll see you soon.” Blitzo nodded, and the couple set off down the sidewalk. Seeing Shane and Ryan getting closer to the stand, the imps camouflaged themselves from view while running as fast as they could to make it before their human target would. Succeeding, Moxxie and Millie split up. 

Moxxie hid behind a tree and waited for Millie to complete her part of the plan. Millie, on the other hand, positioned herself behind the vendor. While she was distracted, Millie sprinkled as much of the yellow powder as she could before the woman had noticed. Quietly grabbing a nearby crate, the imp put it in front of her, climbed on top of it, and gave the vendor a swift karate chop to the back of her neck, knocking her out cold. Before she could hit the floor, Millie caught her and laid her against the same tree Moxxie was hiding behind. Millie hid alongside her husband and gave him a thumbs up. Taking that as his cue, Moxxie stepped out from his hiding spot, cleared his throat and started loudly advertising the food to the people nearby, just as Shane and Ryan were approaching.

“Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here! How about you gentlemen? Two for the price of one!” That last part caught their attention.

“Really?” Shane asked.

“Yes indeed! Only…um…half the price you would normally pay for them!”

“That sounds a little too good to be true,” Ryan said. “Plus, why are you…uh…” The shorter man desperately tried to come up with the words to ask why this person in front of him was bright red, had striped horns, yellow eyes, and claws, but he didn’t want to be offensive.

Quickly understanding what his best friend was attempting to ask, Shane answered for the imp.

“Jesus Ryan,” Shane said. “Maybe he just really likes Halloween.”

“But it’s Feb—"

“Yes sir, that is correct. Halloween is my favorite holiday, with all the dressing up and all.” Moxxie finished the sentence with an awkward smile and Shane nodded.

“See, that’s all it was,” he said. Now looking at Moxxie, he commented “Y’know, if demons actually existed and weren’t just someone’s idiotic fantasy, I’d say that you’re precisely what a demon would look like.”

“Shane!”

“Oh, no I’m sorry, let me rephrase that. Your costume looks very good, you clearly put a lot of hard work and time into it. I’m just not too big on ghosts and demons existing, and that fact tends to anger my little buddy here, but that's neither here nor there. Either way, stellar work, sir. ”

Ryan was rubbing his temples, and Moxxie did his best focus on the plan at hand. Pushing through the outrage he was now feeling, the imp forced a big, toothy smile, doing his best to get this sale over with.

“Ha ha, thank you for noticing my...efforts! Now, how about that hot dog?”

“Oh right, two please.” With his eye twitching, Moxxie gave a regular hot dog to Ryan and shoved the poisoned one in Shane’s hand.

“Here you go! You know what? Those two are on the house. Enjoy.”

“Ah thank you, kind sir!” And with that, Shane strode ahead, but Ryan stayed behind.

“I am so sorry about my friend, he—"

“Ry, you comin’, bud?”

The man in question replied with a “Yeah, be right there.” Before he left, he said one more sorry to the imp, and started jogging to catch up with his best friend.

Coming out from behind the tree, Millie walked up to Moxxie with a very aggravated expression on her face.

“Tall piece of crap,” she growled. “Ugh, I don’t know how you didn’t tear him to shreds right then, hon.”

“It was difficult but I managed. I’m just glad you didn’t have to face that foolishness. Don’t worry, sweetheart, soon we’ll be done with that man and we can go right back home. As a treat, how about I make us some cocoa after all this is said and done?”

After hearing those words, Millie’s anger was soon replaced with excitement. “Oh, I’d LOVE THAT! Maybe we can get some extra fix-ins! You’re the best, Mox.”

“If I’m that great, you’re ten times better~”

“Aw c’mere you!” Millie pulled her husband in for a tight hug, just as Blitzo ran up to them.

“That’s really fucking cute, guys, but can it wait? We got a target on the move—oh shit, hold on.”

A few yards away stood the two men who finally arriving at Shane’s car. They were about to take a bite of their hotdogs, much to the imps’ excitement, but before they could, a person had bumped into Shane, causing him to drop his poisoned food to the ground. The demons’ expressions a mix of disappointment and anger, they continued to watch the scene before them.

The taller man gasped, shook his head and had started to bend down to pick it up, but his friend put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. Shane looked up to see Ryan ripping his hotdog in half. He uttered a few words and proceeded to give one half to his friend with a smile. As he spoke, Millie read his lips.

“He said: ‘To say thank you for earlier’. Huh, that was kinda sweet, don’t ya think?”

"Yes, that was very kind of him,” Moxxie agreed. 

“Isn’t it just pwecious!” Blitzo ridiculed. “Meanwhile, our target is still alive and just got away!!” He then pointed to the car now driving off at quite a fast speed.

“Well, time to steal another car. Get in, y’all, I’m driving this time!” Millie exclaimed.

Using their claws, the imps easily popped open the doors of a nearby black truck. Hurrying in, Moxxie got in the passenger seat while Millie manned the wheel and Blitzo took care of the pedals.

“Make sure to buckle up, every—WOAH!”

Before Moxxie could finish his sentence, Blitzo pressed down hard on the gas pedal. The only thing left at the scene was the kicked-up dust and the remnants of Millie’s enthusiastic scream as the black four-wheeled drive hurried to catch up.

Finding their target’s car in minutes, the imps proceeded to maintain pace and speed, as to not cause a crash and risk losing Shane for good. Thirty minutes passed by, and the aforementioned human didn’t show any signs of slowing his vehicle down. However, ten minutes and one final left turn later, both parties had arrived at their destination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus concludes the sixth chapter! And btw, good news: the last chapter is almost done and will be posted sometime this or next week (i was in the process of writing both as a single chapter, but then i thought it would just be best to split them up. Also, I'm sorry I was super awkward and/or impersonal before. I'm not the best at interaction, so I've been trying to get better with that.)
> 
> Thank you guys for how kind and supportive y'all have been, it means way more than i can express in words. Because you guys have helped give me confidence in my work, I want to do my best to give you the best chapters I can. So again, thank you 🥰
> 
> Stay safe out there and see you soon 💖


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Ok I know I said that Ch. 7 was going to be the last one, but I decided to tweak the story's direction a little bit, which resulted in a new chapter. I have a couple of questions, but I'll leave those in the end notes. Anyways, enjoy!

“We’re here!”

Getting out of his vehicle, followed by Ryan, Shane spread his arms wide open. In front of him was a large park surrounded by an iron gate. Though the gate seemed unnecessary to some, all it took was one glance inside to see why this place was sectioned off. Contained within these barriers was soft green grass that covered this expansive area decorated with tall sycamore trees. Farther off were smoothed pebble trails that led visitors to fields sprinkled in brightly colored flowers, where they could birdwatch or admire the rolling hills in the distance. To top it all off, in the very center sat a large lake filled with blue water clearer than a crystal. Here, nature thrived in this little slice of heaven named Parque Ataraxia.

“Holy shit…”

“Ryan Steven Bergara, are you ready to experience everything Mother Nature has to offer!”

The man in question was stunned speechless. Transfixed on the sight before him, Ryan stood with his mouth agape.

“Shane…You didn’t.”

“I did!”

“I’ve always wanted to come here.”

“I know. Now, no more standing around.” Snapping his best friend out of his stupor, they both sauntered through the entrance.

“So, what do you wanna do first? We can relax under a tree, feed some birds, walk a trail, anything! Today, this world is your oyster.”

“Um, to be honest, I have no idea. I guess we can chill by the lake?”

“Great choice, bud; you can never go wrong with sitting by the water.”

As the pair started their journey, Blitzo, Millie, and Moxxie started theirs as well.

“Alright, target acquired. Is everyone clear on the new plan?”

“Yes Sir!” said his employees simultaneously. “Eliminate distractions and keep an unobstructed path to the victim.”

Reaching into his coat, Blitzo brought out a blowgun and clutched it tightly. “Perfect.”

“Question,” Moxxie began.

“Here we go…” Blitzo muttered.

“Do you plan on returning that weapon after you’re done with it?”

“Hell no,” the taller imp said as he loaded poison darts into the tube-like weapon. “That store’s poster said ‘Buy one, take one’, so I took one. Really, it’s on them.”

“But you didn’t buy anyth—"

“OK that’s enough Mox, anything else?”

“Yes, last question: where will you be stationed?”

“I’ll be in the tree a little to the right of the lake. If I stay on that branch there, I’ll have the clearest shot.”

“Alright," confirmed Millie. "Hey, if this doesn’t work, you can always hit him on the back of the head with that blowgun of yours."

“Y’know, that’s not a bad idea.”

Millie smiled in response and the imps split up once more. Making a beeline to his conifer of choice, Blitzo spoke harshly under his breath. “Alright bitch, try and get away from us now.”

………..

“…and that's why a bear could defeat a hippo any day,” finished Ryan matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, ok," scoffed Shane. As their debate came to a close, the two friends reached the lake. Overcome with wonder, the duo sat down on the lush turf and stared into the water.

“Oh wow, it’s even prettier up close!” marveled the shorter man.

“Now, that’s something I agree with you on. Look, you can even see the to the bottom of it!”

“That’s so cool,” Ryan said. He took a moment to appreciate his new surroundings. He could've stayed in that spot for hours, which is what he was very tempted to do. However, there was something bothering him that he just couldn’t shake off. Not only has he felt someone following them ever since this morning began, but Shane was acting weird, too.

“Hey,” Ryan said pensively. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure thing.”

“You’re being nicer than usual. Why?”

“What do you mean?”

“You keep doing nice things for me and buying me stuff. First the pricey coffee and food, now you brought me to this park. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for everything you’ve done, I just wanna know why.”

“Well, I noticed you’ve been pretty stressed out lately, and I thought you deserved at least one day of solid rest and relaxation to help get your mind off of everything.”

Ryan looked down into the water, smiling wistfully. “…Thank you, Shane. You’re right, by the way. A lot of crap has been going on, so today helped out a lot. I don’t know how you do it, but you always manage to find the best ways to cheer me up.”

“It’s no big deal, I just care about my friends.”

“False: that’s actually a very big deal. Y’know, even though I don’t say it as much as I should, I’m so thankful you’re in my life, even though you’re a douchebag a good chunk of the time.”

“Hey, I bought food for you,” Shane said in mock-offense.

“True, that you did.” Ryan replied. Grinning from ear to ear, Ryan relaxed and forgot all about his troubles, including whatever was following them. Unfortunately for him, their stalkers were not far behind.

Hidden within a flower bush crouched Millie and Moxxie. Though they were tasked with making sure no one got close to Shane, their job was actually made unusually easy, as there were virtually no people around. The only problem would have been the birds, but even they weren’t as present today.

The imps had just finished eavesdropping on the two men. Hearing every word clear as day, Moxxie immediately felt guilty, and knowing her husband like the back of her tail, Millie immediately picked up on this.

”Mox, are you ok?” she asked, concerned.

“Hm? O-Oh yeah, I’m f-fine,” he lied. Moxxie tried his best to not show how he was really feeling (especially for his wife's sake), but his body betrayed him. His eyes started to water, and he was about to start sniffling.

Sure this guy was a jerk, but did he deserve to get killed over it? ‘Of course,’ he thought. ‘Not only is he highly incorrect about the existence of demons, he was incredibly rude about it, too! If he’s that positive that demons don’t exist, why don’t the I.M.P. show him how wrong he is. A one-way ticket to hell is all this guy needs, right?’ The imp contemplated this. ‘No. Not right.’ Moving faster than the darts Blitzo was about to shoot at Shane, Moxxie ran from their hiding space towards the branch Blitzo just positioned himself on.

As soon as Moxxie came into his view, Blitzo became furious. Had it not been for Shane, Blitzo would’ve gone down there to give his AWOL employee a piece of his mind. Thankfully, he didn’t need to move from his perch, as the shorter imp began climbing up to him.

“Are you kidding me? I _know_ you’re not interfering with another mission, dickweed!” Blitzo whisper-shouted.

“But Sir,” Moxxie panted. Why did things have to turn out like this? Why was this tree so tall? ‘It’s ok,’ he reassured himself. ‘Only a little more to go…’

“I thought you learnt your lesson from last time!” The demon shuddered. He was still trying to forget about what happened to that family. Moxxie hoisted himself onto the taller imp’s branch and hurried to speak.

“This time is different! That man isn’t a murderer. He’s no cannibal or the perpetrator of any other violent crimes. He’s just an average human who doesn’t believe in the supernatural. Yes, he’s been an absolute jackass about it, but he hasn’t done anything _morally_ wrong!”

“…”

Blitzo was breathing hard, but before his boss made any rash decisions, Moxxie offered a final counter point.

“You won’t even get paid for this. We weren’t hired to kill him, so—"

“Oh my god, CHRISTINA!! We didn’t go back!” Blitzo and Moxxie jumped out of the tree, and ran towards Millie who had met them in the middle.

“I just heard Blitz! C’mon, we gotta go.”

“We don’t even know where she is!” Moxxie cried.

“It’s alright, we’ll find her. Let’s try heading back to those campgrounds. She might still be there.”

Leaving Shane behind in the park, the three imps ran out of Ataraxia, desperately trying to relocate their original target. If they could find and kill her soon, they would have a chance to finish off Shane. This idea motivated the demons to work even harder. As they continued to run, Blitzo glanced back and gave their would-have-been victim one last dirty look. Of course, the latter was completely unaware of anything taking place, not even hearing Blitzo's shouts. Fortunately for them, Ryan wasn't as oblivious to the imp's deafening yell.

…………………….

“So you really didn’t hear that?”

“For the last time, Ry, no, I didn't. Jeez, what's gotten into you?”

“But it was loud as hell! Someone yelled out ‘Christina’ earlier, how could you not hear it?!”

“I heard _something_ , but it was probably just the wind. Or the birds. There are some species around here that make a sound just like that.”

“What?? There wasn’t any wind and the birds aren’t even near us." The moment he finished speaking, Ryan was reminded of the constant feeling of eyes watching their every move. Putting two and two together, he buried his face in his hands. "Fuck…” 

Hearing the sudden change in tone, Shane looked over to his best friend.

“What’s wrong?” Shane asked, now very worried.

“We’re being followed.”

“...we are?”

“Uh, yeah, ever since we sat down in the coffee shop, I’ve felt someone watching us and it hasn’t gone away.”

“So that’s why you were focused on the screams.”

“Yes, it was probably our new stalker—or stalkers. What the fuck do you think they want?”

“Well if it’s money, they’re shit outta luck.” Seeing that humor didn’t alleviate his best friend’s fears, he exhaled.

“I brought you here to relax and to get your mind off of stuff, but we can’t do that if that stuff keeps following us.”

“Mhmm...”

Shane thought for a moment. Then he had an idea.

“Why don’t we just scare them off?”

“What?”

“You heard me. Alright, I know you’re gonna hate me for this, but we're gonna play this situation out. Let’s say whoever’s following us is dangerous.”

“I don’t like where this is going…”

“So the question is, ‘What do we do?’ Police? Fuck no, useless and too destructive. For example, what if the person/people following us has/have anger issues, too? That’s just a recipe for disaster. Instead of one hostile party, we’d then be dealing with two.”

“And if one says or does anything that enrages the other, and they both have guns, something bad will most definitely happen.”

“With those pigs, they wouldn’t even need anything to set them off. So, in short, no cops. Which leads me to our next hypothetical situation: We don’t know how to defend ourselves and we’re alone with someone who most likely can, especially if they have a weapon. What do we do now?”

“Hmm, if physical confrontation is out of the question, then we would just have to evade them somehow.”

“That, or…?”

“Frighten them so much, they run away.”

“And where’s the scariest place you can think of?”

“An abandoned place riddled with malicious spirits. Oh my god, I think I see what you wanna do.”

“Uh-huh. Even if this person isn’t afraid of ghosts or demons, the atmosphere will still terrify them.”

“Theoretically, this sounds pretty solid, but we don’t know how anything will work out. What if this person doesn’t scare that easy? Just because it works in movies, doesn’t mean it’s gonna work here; it’s just too risky.”

“I know it is, but don’t worry, I thought this through.”

“Oh really, how? Shane, this isn’t going to work. I know you were trying to comfort me, but what if something bad happens? What if we’re outnumbered, or the plan doesn’t work, and then we’re left defenseless, or—"

“If push comes to shove, we grab the nearest makeshift weapon, and we start swingin’. I want to try and avoid violence as much as possible, but if we have to defend ourselves, we will. Plain and simple. Plus, our adrenaline will kick in, and our chances of winning increase significantly! When I said ‘don’t worry’, I meant it. There’s more to this than just spooking them.”

“That does make me feel a little better...Tell me more.”

“Assuming whoever’s following us is still on our tail, we’ll lead them straight to one of the most dangerous places in LA. There’s an abandoned hospital on the other side of the city. I know it’s far off, but that’ll work in our favor. Best case scenario: we lose them on the way.”

“You make a good point. And even if we can’t, it’s pretty easy to get lost in a hospital, and if we're thinking of the same hospital, that’ll be easy. That place is a fucking labyrinth.”

“It sure is. There’s also a shit-ton of really sharp needles laying around. There could also be some metal pipes inside, too. We’re gonna be ok. No matter what happens, everything is going to be just fine.”

Ryan wasn’t sure what had encouraged him more: the park’s atmosphere or Shane’s confidence, but he believed him. Ryan still had his doubts, but knowing Shane had back-up plans and thought of different ways they could remain safe assured him. In addition, Shane was very creative and resourceful. If something unexpected happened, there was no doubt he would come up with an effective solution on the spot.

“…Let’s do it.”

“Alright, when do you wanna go to the hospital?"

"Eight o’ clock. I’ll drive us."

"Ooh by the way, do you still feel like we’re being watched?”

“Not anymore. The feeling went away a while ago.”

“Good, they left!”

“Yeah, it’s also good they weren’t around to hear our plan.”

“Oh shit, you’re right. We would’ve been screwed.”

“For sure. Luckily, that’s not the case today."

"So, what do you want to do now that you can finally relax, Little Guy?”

“Let’s go watch some movies at my place. I should still have some popcorn left.”

“I like the sound of that!"

“And if that shitbag tries to follow us again, well, let’s just say my katana won’t be just a decoration anymore.”

“OOH watch out, Ryan Bergara’s had enough, and he’s ready to fight!”

“Hell yeah I am!” Smiling confidently, he turned to Shane.

“You ready to go, Big Guy?”

“Of course. Jaws waits for no one.”

Ryan got up and offered a hand to Shane, which the latter graciously accepted. With their plan of attack running in the back of their minds, the men strode back towards Shane's vehicle, resuming their bear vs. hippopotamus debate. Arguments sprinkled with laughter filled the air, even as Ryan and Shane drove off. Though it wouldn't be eight for several more hours, the two friends knew that it would come around sooner than they thought.

'And when that time comes,' Ryan thought to himself. 'We'll be ready.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you guys think about the story's direction? I wasn't sure about where this story was going. but I thought this would be a good next step. However, if this installment is too weird or OOC or anything like that, please let me know and I will do my best to fix it. Thank you all for your continued comments, love, and support 💖
> 
> See y'all soon!


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